smiling for her

I’ll admit that I have tried many times to just cry. Feeling that I had some pent-up emotion - just waiting to be released. Thinking that I would feel better. Wondering if I just haven’t realized yet that it is real.

And yet every time my mind wanders, all I can do - is smile.

I smile at the thought of her laugh. I smile at her eternal optimism. I smile at her sense of humor. I smile at memories. Oh, so many memories. I smile at the remembrance of her - and how special she is to so many. How special she is to me.

I smile at how she took me in. Almost as one of her own children. I felt loved, as one of her own. I smile at the zest for life that she - and her family - gave me when I needed it. I smile at the light that beamed into the darkest of places.

I’ll never forget her bringing me mammoth packs of Spearmint Tic-Tacs from the commissary. My pre-Sunkist addiction. I haven’t had one since ... but today? Today, I want one.

I’ll never forget ice-skating in Montgomery - and how wretchedly abysmal our performance was. I remember fondly, her watching from the sidelines - laughing and cheering us on.

I’ll never forget whitewater rafting - and the time she split her pants wide open. I smile just thinking of the laughs that were had. And her willingness to forever preserve it in film.

I’ll never forget the petting zoo experience with that dang goat. And figuring out, all too late, just why he was smiling for the camera.

I’ll never forget playing Catchphrase with her for Mandy’s 19th birthday.

I'll never forget that she gave me permission to throw a water balloon in her own home in order to win a water fight. Which I did.

I’ll never forget that Orlando trip - especially Popeye & Bluto's Bilge-Rat Barges. And that hilarity-filled trip to Target.

I’ll never forget all the little instances that, as memory serves, she merely danced around the peripheral of. In hindsight, it seems as if she was always right in the middle. In heart, she certainly was.

I’ll never forget ... well. So many things.

It’s been a long time since I’ve waltzed into that house and made myself at home. It’s been a long time since I’ve created a precious memory there. There are many reasons for this - each more asinine than the last, in retrospect. None of which is remotely important to me anymore. In all honesty - it’s shameful that it ever was. But I never did give up the love that I have for her. Or her family - of which she was the heart. Still is. And always will be.

I’ll forever be grateful for listening to that quiet prompting to go see her at the hospital that night. I now chuckle to myself at how I hesitated outside the door for a fraction of a second - unsure of what I’d see on the other side. And yet, I wasn’t surprised to see her smiling face. Or to feel her positive attitude. Or to hear her jokes about her incision - and how it wasn’t a bother, as she was past the ‘bikini stage’. Though, as she laughed, it would have been a problem a few years back. I loved that we talked about Harry Potter - and it brought back memories of long ago when we were all reading the books for the first time, and seemingly falling over each other just to talk about their goodness. My heart warmed when she asked about Ammon - as she always did. And I’ll always remember the surge of faith I felt when she responded, “If I’m meant to go, I’ll go. If I’m supposed to stick around - then that’s what I’ll do.”

I don’t question it. I know Heavenly Father does not make mistakes. I don’t pretend to understand it, though - and I don’t think I’m meant to. I mourn this loss along with many others - yet I am so grateful to have known her at all. A blessing that I cherish. I cannot begin to comprehend the difficulty her family is facing. My pain certainly does not compare. Some may say I have no right to shed even a tear. And yet my heart knows what others minds do not.

Of course, I am crying now. I think she would want me to smile. It would certainly be a good way to remember her and her unwavering spirit. When I think of her, I think of light. I think of warmth. I think of a laugh that brings with it its own sunshine.

I think of smiles. So that’s what I’ll do.

Of all the things that there are to remember in my life - the good and the bad - I’m honored and blest to say that the good far outweighs the other. I have so many to thank for that - this family at the top of that list. When I reflect on the past, I try hard to remember the good. Remember the good ones.

When thinking about her ... there’s not much left after that.

Yes. Remember the good ones.

Yesterday. It was a perfect morning - crisp and bright. A day that emulated her. It was a beautiful reunion of souls and faces - bringing with them a flood of delectable memories - all a testament to the incredible person that we all love so well. I wasn’t surprised to see such a full house. Or so many moist eyes, even though the faces they call home were smiling. I wasn’t surprised to feel of that powerful spirit which buoyed my heart. All things that reflect with good tidings, the person she is. In truth, I felt her.

As is usually the case when I have a lot on my mind - I turn to my pen. And I’m left with this. A lot of random musings about a lot of little things that probably don’t matter to anyone else but me. And yet they do matter to me. Very much. And that, today, is enough.

I echo my first thought, and reply that I have, indeed, realized that this is all very real. My heart and my mind are finally on the same plane. Yesterday made certain of that. And yet, while at times I seem to be floundering aimlessly, a bit of flotsam in a sea of pain - I find that I am not sinking. The knowledge that I have of our Heavenly Father’s plan, has become my raft. My memories keep it afloat. The hope of tomorrow's horizon is my gentle breeze. And my smiles ... they bring with them the sunshine.

Today, I am thankful. Today, I continue to pray for this families’ peace. Today ... I smile for her.