i will survive

Those who know me well - or have read this blog during my lower points - also know all about my addiction issues.

I do not smoke. But I do enhale.

I do not get drunk. But I do drink.

Meet him: “My name is Sunkist. I’m her vice. And her crutch. And her life-line. We’ve had a long and happy life together - but now she wants to kick me to the curb. She didn’t know I’d be so hard to get rid of.”

He’s right. I didn’t.

I have tried many times to kick this addiction. More times than I care to count. Once, I was successful for a time. When I was pregnant with Ammon. Mainly because I didn’t have a choice. Unfortunately, that ‘reason’ won’t help me today.

I went through a rough patch last year. And decided at Christmas that enough was enough. I kicked the habit cold turkey - with the withdrawal symptoms and side-effects to prove it. I emerged at a place where I can drink Sunkist again and not have the insatiable urge to follow it with another. And another. And another. I’m not at all optimistic that I will ever get to a place where I will never drink again - that just isn’t a realistic statement to make. However, I can - in moderation - continue to enjoy this thing that makes me happy. And I'm more than okay with that.

Last night, Brian brought home dinner. From one of our favorite places in our little town. A place that sells Sunkist as a fountain drink - like many other places here, which made this move really easy and exciting. I actually didn’t want Sunkist. I told Brian that I didn’t need a drink. He got me one, anyway ... it was cheaper that way. I drank it, having a hard time finishing it, in fact. I went on throughout my night, productively doing all I needed to. Sunkist, and the need for another hit, nowhere in my mind.

Until I opened the fridge door later and was greeted by something that has surely been in there for weeks. Like a tidal wive - all I wanted to do was grab it and run off, hide in my closet, and guzzle it down. I didn’t. I fell into a hopelessly nasty mood. I returned to the fridge several times after for other things ... but, of course, all I saw was that label. Glaring at me like a neon sign.

I could easily drink it. But I know what would happen. And I don’t want to go there again. So for now ... I suffer. I fully intend on giving this slice of heaven to Brian whenever he gets home tonight.

But until then ... the only thing that is running through my mind is:

First I was afraid -

I was petrified.

Kept thinking I could never live

without you by my side.

But I spent so many nights

thinking how you did me wrong -

and I grew strong ...

I learned how to carry on.

And so you're back,

from outer space -

I just walked in to find you here

with that sad look upon your face.

I should have changed my stupid lock -

I should have made you leave your key -

If I had known for just one second

you'd be back to bother me.

Go on, now, go -

walk out the door.

Just turn around now ...

'cause you're not welcome anymore.

Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?

You think I'd crumble -

you think I'd lay down and die.

Oh no, not I -

I will survive.

Oh, as long as i know how to love

I know I will stay alive.

I've got all my life to live -

I've got all my love to give -

and I'll survive ...

I will survive ...

It took all the strength I had

not to fall apart -

kept trying hard to mend

the pieces of my broken heart.

And I spent oh-so-many nights

just feeling sorry for myself -

I used to cry ...

now I hold my head up high!

And you see me -

somebody new -

I'm not that chained up little person

still in love with you.

And so you felt like dropping in,

and just expect me to be free -

now I'm saving all my loving

for someone who's loving me!

Go on, now, go -

walk out the door.

Just turn around now ...

'cause you're not welcome anymore.

Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?

You think I'd crumble -

you think I'd lay down and die.

Oh no, not I -

I will survive!

Oh, as long as i know how to love

I know I will stay alive.

I've got all my life to live -

I've got all my love to give -

and I'll survive ...

I will survive ...

Oh ... I will survive.

Lyrics: I Will Survive; Gloria Gaynor