a hazy shade of whatnots

Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, “Come on… hit me with your best shot?” Apparently, it is Stacy-Can-Take-It week. Things messing with my mind… things piling up in the recesses of my brain… causing my to-do list to be nothing more than a haze. A hazy shade of whatnots.

My girlie-date with Kristy yesterday was… well, eventful. It was great to get out of the house with a friend. To have some adult interaction, conversation and “me” time. And while we had a few avalanches of crisis… and were often using the phrase, “When it rains, it pours.”… it didn’t actually rain. Which is a first for us. I remember telling Kristy during that fateful bathroom trip at Barnes & Noble, “Just think about it… throw some rain in with this jazz and then think about how great it will be!”. And Kristy… we’ll laugh about all this years from now, you know… I’m still finding stinky, spoiled formula in my diaper bag.

And, while it did have its lousy places, I had a good time. A fabulous time. A much needed break from the monotony of the everyday. I ran some errands; l made some necessary purchases; I got some ice cream… and even though I didn’t eat it until almost 9:00 last night, it was still yummy; my pal, Kate, got my living room ceiling fan, that has not worked since we moved here, to turn on. All in all, a fun time.

Unlike earlier this week when I was a day behind, today I have been a day ahead. Brian stayed home from work today making it feel like Saturday. Even though he is feeling slightly better, he went to the doctor. He is now loaded to high heaven with antibiotics. Hopefully, we’ll nip this baby in the bud… pronto. But, to make matters worse, I woke up this morning feeling absolutely shoddy. Just pure trashy. I thought I had gotten over whatever it was I have had off and on for the last two weeks. But, oh no. I feel a little better right now, though. We’re keeping our fingers crossed.

Ammon has been in an unusually solemn mood the last couple of days. I do not think that he is sick, I just think that this teeth business is getting to him a bit. He has been very clingy and incredibly indecisive. This shoots down any thought that I have of accomplishing anything while he is awake. That time is usually all Ammon’s anyway, but it’s nice to know that I can get something done if I need to. Not so this week… the week that I need to be doing things.

In the three years that we have lived here, our home has never once been inspected. Well, we received a notice today that our townhouse will be inspected next week – and to make sure that we have everything cleaned up so that we can make a good impression on the owner. Of all the times to decide to do this, it has to be right now – right when I decide to start all these projects and tear my house apart. I am seriously freaking out right now.

I know that I have nothing to worry about. Our home is far and away cleaner and tidier than the others around us. But, being the person that I am, I want to have everything put away. The way it should be all the time. All these projects are all over the place. I’m stressed to capacity with this, that and the other. I sat down for a bit this afternoon, though. Sat down and just thought. And while I thought, I just got inspired. Inspired… what an interesting word. I know what I need to do, and I know how to get it done. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will be a kinder, happier Stacy for doing so. I do not have time to dawdle with drama. I do not have time to sit and worry about things I can not change. I do not have time to do so many things, and yet all the time in the world to do the important ones. And that is what I am going to do. The important ones. For some reason, I am reminded of that Jon Brion song, Knock Yourself Out…

It’s something unattainable,
That you can’t live without.
And now the unexplainable
Has you riddled with doubt.

Things begin, things decay,
And you’ve gotta find a way to be okay.
But if you want to spend the day
Wondering what it’s all about,
Go and knock yourself out.

Why we’re put in this mess, is anybody’s guess.
It might be a test or it might not be anything
You need to worry about.
But if you’re still in doubt,
Go and knock yourself out.

So today instead of knocking myself out, I did a few things here and there. Instead of doing that last thing, I went and played with my sweet boy. Instead of taking care of that pile, I observed my husband and son just being lazy… noticing those little mannerisms that they both share, like crossing their feet. Instead of pushing a dirty diaper off on Brian, I did it myself. I didn’t forget the important things… because, truth be told, what is the rest of it really all about? And as far as that inspection business goes, I have a feeling that all will be fine… whatever my house looks like. I’ve been having a good fortune cookie streak lately. My fortune from last week read, “You are imaginative in using your skills. Apply this next week.”. I think I’ve found my way to be okay.

Brian and I had our date tonight – sickness and all. We went out to eat and then ran some errands. Brian was getting stuff for the pancake dinner thingamajig that they have before Priesthood session of General Conference. My “planning” skills were coming in handy, as I was thinking of all the things that those men did not. Just more perks of my church calling. And while we were in the check-out line at Wal-Mart, Brian had a blast from his past. He poked me and whispered, in a quite exasperated voice, “That guy right over there is the lead singer for Hadji & The Turbans.”. I had heard of Hadji & The Turbans… and questioned his judgement. He responded with, “Uh, yah… I only saw them every weekend in high school.”. Of course, this sparked an all things music and band-related conversation all the way home. Brian was feeling all better for that few minutes. It’s fun to see him that way… so animated remembering his band days, their shows and all that jazz. I know that Ammon’s love of acoustic music is going to make Brian itch to get a third guitar…

I did finish one project this evening that I have been meaning to do. I embroidered a onesie for Ammon to wear the day Brian graduated that said, “I’m proud of my daddy”. We decided to frame it so that – one day – it can be hung in Brian’s office or dream study. A nice, constant reminder of Brian’s hard work over the years. A reminder of how much we love him. A reminder that we’re full of all that good-kind-of-pride and respect.

Another one of those projects I was talking about earlier is going through all of Ammon’s clothes. Putting away things that no longer fit him, pulling out things that he will be able to wear soon. I now am sitting here staring at a huge box full of Ammon’s too-small clothes. The little shirts he wore in the hospital. The little preemie outfits he wore his first few weeks of life… and even though they were for preemies, he still rattled around in them. The “old man” pants that came up to his armpits for the longest of times. The little socks he used to kick off in his sleep. All boxed up, ready for the next round. And I must say, I shed some tears throughout this process. Brian even said that he missed that tiny – so very tiny – little boy… that little boy who Brian wanted to hurry and get bigger so they could have so much fun together.


I know that it was just yesterday that we found out that a little special someone was on their way. I know that it was just yesterday that I was puking my guts out, and reminding myself, “…this is all worth it, this is all worth it…”. I know that it was just yesterday that we found out we were expecting a little boy… to the shock of all. I know that it was just yesterday that Brian gave me that blessing because I was so frightened about the arrhythmia found in my son’s heartbeat. I know that it was just yesterday that Brian told me about the dreams he had about our little boy, helping to make the final decision that his name should be Ammon. I know that it was just yesterday that I was cleaning out the area behind my washing machine… because it just had to be done before Ammon was born. I know that it was just yesterday that I was nine-months pregnant, crawling on my hands and knees chasing lizards out of my living room. I know that it was just yesterday that I was sitting in the hospital, looking at that perfect face. Where has the time gone? Well, I know where it has gone… and I wouldn’t trade a second of it for anything in the universe. I know that time will continue to pass… and it, too, will go quickly. Just another reason to focus on the important stuff.

And I know that I should have really labeled that box, “Boy Clothes, Newborn to…” – I’ll change it later… when my constitution is stronger. But for now, until another boy wears those sweet little onesies and rompers, those clothes belong to my Ammon. My boy. My first little bundle of joy.