fresh courage take

As I gird up for what is promising to be my busiest summer yet – I contemplate what got me here. And – dually – how I will survive it.

We’ve all been taking our turn dealing with illness lately. Brian was first – then Ammon. I got sick as Ammon was getting over his cold, and I’m still combating some residual issues. We’re all hoping that we can remain well – we can’t afford to be sick. Not at all. On top of these discomforts, we have also had some serious health problems crop up in our extended family in the last couple of weeks. While these things are, in deed, disturbing – Brian and I are optimistic that our family will be comforted, protected and blessed. Our faith is where it should be … and we nestle together, bunker down and wait – ready to weather the storms as they hit.

The aforementioned things explain this neglected outpost of thoughts. Blogging hasn’t been high on my list of priorities lately. Not because I have nothing to say – just that sometimes it’s important to create the memories and save the documenting for later. As a result, I have much to say today. Endure my rambling or move on – I’ll leave the choice to you.

I’ve long heard the phrase: “There’s no rest for the weary.” How true is that sentiment. I, for one, am quite weary. And I see no relief in sight. I’m not really complaining – just worried, at what my mentality will be like this time … say … next month.

Brian and I have received our new callings at church. Brian is the Ward Mission Leader in our new ward. He’ll be fabulous, I know it. A good chunk of him is very excited. He’s unearthed all of his old mission stuff and – as he always says about me – his brain is bubbling with new ideas. I was called as the Quarterly Activities Coordinator for Relief Society. A calling similar to one that I have had in the past – and, judging by the fact that the first time around was horrid, I’m viewing this a second chance of sorts. I’ve had many, many people come up to me (or my mother … ?) and comment about all the great things I’ll be doing for/with the sisters of the ward … clearly under the misapprehension that I can do it all. Apparently, my ‘reputation’ has traveled in front of me. To which my mind lingers on exactly two questions: 1.) How do they know all of this about me (because, though I am not shy, I do live quietly)? and 2.) How in the world can I possibly attempt to fool them into believing that these things are true?

On a more ‘personal’ note: I will be offering my photography ‘services’ to quite a pretty few over the next few months. I had a portrait shoot today with a dear friend. I have two weddings over the next two weekends. I have a handful of children and an infant/family that I will be doing sessions for next month. Our cousin Shelby is newly engaged (to which we offer a boisterous ‘Hooray!’) – and I have been asked to do not only their engagement photographs, but also those for their wedding, ring ceremony and reception. Needless to say – when you figure in that wonderful thing called editing – I’ll be busy for a while. A somewhat frightening development considering the other things on my plate.

Like Ammon. We’re kind of in the middle of a tricky time with him. He has started to develop some less-than-desirable tendencies … things that I’m sure every 2 ½-year old does … but, nonetheless, things that need to be nipped in the bud, like, right now. We also really need to attempt potty-training. At lest give it a shot. We’re also really making a strong effort to attend playgroup every week and do some other activities around town. Apart from this, though, we are making stellar progress when it comes to his learning and development. Or I should say, he is. He now recognizes nearly every letter, is doing better with numbers, and is starting to finally show an interest in colors. His vocabulary literally quadrupled over night. He will now repeat anything you say, and his current favs are (though he's been saying some for quite a while): gosh, stink, mess, again, stuck, eww, neat (it's neat), ride, dump (as in dump truck), thank you, please, night, truck, tire, nose, eye, hair, these/those, not, now, silly (he's silly), yes, bear and cow (he is no longer calling them ‘moos’).

The best thing to report, though, is that my relationship with Ammon has sincerely blossomed over the last few weeks. I can’t really describe what the change is – or what brought it about – but change there is. And it is a sweet thing. Certainly, an answer to my prayers.

A couple of weeks ago, we made a fly-by-night trip to Orlando to visit my family. It was a very quick trip, but we so enjoyed our time there … as always. While there, we took the opportunity to attend the Temple. It had been too long since we had been. The Orlando Temple is a very special place to us – and it was such a blessing to be there again. We received some serious personal revelation regarding our family – leaving us at peace with some troubling decisions. I also received some much needed comfort. A much needed reminder that my Heavenly Father will not desert me. He never has – and He never will. This busy and trying time in our lives will come and go – just as the trying times before have done. The important thing to remember is that we are not in this alone. I am not expected to fight this fight alone. My mind leaps to a favorite thought:

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we’ll have this tale to tell —
All is well! All is well!

Over the last several weeks we have done very little but the everyday necessities. There are a few high points that stand out from the fog. We celebrated Shelby’s birthday on the 30th. She turned 19. We spent a nice afternoon with the family and enjoyed cake and homemade ice cream that evening. Ammon learned how to hit a wiffle ball off a tee. Holy love at first swing. That child has such a good arm on him … it’s a little scary. He’s really becoming quite the catcher, too. And now – of course – he’s swinging bats. Watch out, Major Leagues. The good thing about outside and balls and bats and running and cousins … is that you crash hard afterwards. Play hard, drool hard, apparently.

I haven’t been doing much creatively lately, apart from things for the new house. I took the opportunity to design something special for Shelby’s birthday. It was the first time in quite a long time that I've done something like this. And what a joy it was to create … even if it was predominately assembled in the car.

Aren’t they precious? We think so.

We went to the beach with our dear friends, the Mitchell’s, yesterday. We went down to Port Saint Joe, and had such a nice day! The rain missed us – which we had prayed for. We had a yummy lunch and enjoyed that white sugar sand. It was very windy – which made for some fearsome waves – but kept the temperature down for us. Ammon wasn’t a fan of the water – but loved the heck out of the sand. He brought along his loader and dump truck … and spent the afternoon creating some serious dunes. We had such a lovely day – and are so glad that we took the chance to go. Ammon sported his brand new trunks … which go all the way down to his ankles. Boy – do I ever love them, though. And - lucky for Ammon - they have Lightning McQueen on them. Or 'Keen', as he would say.

There’s not much that would force me to go into a store wearing all my beach garb. Looking like a hot mess, for sure. And yet … there are a few things. Like getting my copy of Stephenie Meyer’s, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. I must admit – I felt rather giddy gently seizing my copy from the top of that pristine, untouched stack. I was there when the store opened – I was the first one to purchase a copy. The thought that I might have been the first in Dothan to take that book home – while possibly not true – is pretty exciting to think about. Needless to say … I did a touch of this yesterday:

I’m excited to finish this work. It will be a very easy read for me. It’s quite short. To quote Meyer herself, we know how this story ends. It doesn’t end well for Bree. And yet – we don’t know her secrets. And … I was entranced before I finished Meyer’s introduction. Just like with previous installments, there is an indescribable something that draws you in. Fittingly said, “People do not want to just read Meyer’s books; they want to climb inside them and live there.” For those of you in the same boat as me: Happy hunting reading.

Now that we have been reintroduced to reliable internet activity, Brian has been introduced to hulu.com. As a result, we have been watching A-Team episodes quite frequently. We hook Brian’s laptop up to the television … and we’re good to go for a night of ‘the jazz’. I can’t believe that the man has me hooked on them. I guess I’ve forfeited my ability to make fun of him. To quote Brian, himself: “… I pity the fool that doesn’t like The A-Team …”

I’ve been working like a Trojan, trying to organize my external hard-drive. Talk about a hillbilly mess. While doing this, I discovered that there is also a major need for a complete overhaul of all the files on my laptop, as well. I’ve found that I have way too many online resources (namely blogs). There are a ton of things that I reach to the internet for: creative solutions (i.e.: scrapbooking, sewing and other crafting), photography, recipes, church ideas … to name a very few. The opportunity for me to find it all in one place – one stop shopping, so to speak – is extremely rare. Sure – I’ve found one or two components, but not the whole package. Up until now, I’ve only found this luxury in one place. As I’ve mentioned before, I am a huge proponent of Becky Higgins – a scrapbooking celebrity that is simply a wonderful individual brimming with creative ideas and solutions. Yes – Becky’s realm has been the only place that I’ve been inspired on all of these levels at the same time.

There are a few stipulations:

Becky isn’t a professional photographer – but she takes beautiful photographs. She often does shoots for friends and family – sort of like me. She posts some of these (along with her everyday photographs, which are stunning) – but rarely posts tips or tricks.

While Becky shares the same religious beliefs as me – she rarely references it publicly. She doesn’t share many church-related projects that she may be working on. However, it is clearly evident what she believes. That personal knowledge that I have makes it easy for me to read between the lines of her posts. And the insights I gain are novel ones.

Becky openly argues that she hasn’t scrapped in months – for very good reasons. She has left CK, which made her a household name in the scrapbooking community, and has developed her own product line, known as Project Life. I fully support and embrace this concept. This is basically a pre-designed formula that you simply add your photos and stories to. It is the, self-proclaimed, ‘simplest form of scrapbooking around’. I reiterate: I love the concept. I like the product. However, it isn’t something that I want to use solely by itself … because it doesn’t completely challenge me creatively. Doesn’t quench my thirst, so to speak. Combined with something similar to Project Life, I still want to do traditional/hybrid scrapbooking. I always will – in some amount – no matter how busy I get.

So … where do I receive that inspiration now? Again – Becky doesn’t post those scrapbooking projects any more (or as much) … especially since she hasn’t been doing it herself. What about the photography tid-bits, or the church-related creative inspiration? Again, I have several sources (that can be found on the right side-bar of this blog under {inspire}) but …. I’ve found a new one.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ll still visit Becky often. She still inspires me in so many various ways. But – I have found another artist that hits all my avenues of creativity … and then some. And then, a lot of some. Again – finding this sort of inspiration all in the same place is scarce. I am so giddy that I found her … ironically enough … on Becky Higgins’ blog.

Her name is Bobbi-Jo Grunewald … and, honestly, she could be my twin. Seriously. Obviously, we don’t look alike – but the nail is hit on the head in every other respect. She is a photog – who has, in the last couple of years, developed her own business. Our styles are very similar – so most of her work goes instantly into my inspiration folder. On her blog she offers incredible photography tips – simply explaining all those irksome terms such as Aperture, ISO, Shutter Speed and White Balance. She not only offers PhotoShop Actions that do all the work for you – she also frequently posts tutorials for different editing techniques.

She is a member of my faith. She frequently posts personal thoughts about her beliefs. She shares ides about things that her Ward/Stake (congregation) are doing. She shares all the creative things she has contributed. It doesn’t hurt that we have the same calling …

She shares recipes every once in a while … just incredible things that I’ve never heard of. I copy them for myself and look forward to the perfect opportunity to use them. Or maybe I don’t need a reason … because – hello – what sounds better than Cinnamon Bun Pancakes or a Chocolate Peppermint Cheeseball right about now?

The icing on the cake, of course, is her obsession with all things Twilight. Like her DVD release parties. Swoon …

On top of it all – she is a scrapper. Mainly digital – but still a lot hybrid. Our styles in this court are similar, too. This new friend of mine makes time to scrap, despite a very busy schedule. I love that. Which brings me to the point I’d like to make: She is an incredibly busy individual, who manages to handle most everything – and still makes time for a hobby(ies) she loves. Has her cake … and eats it, too.

Of course, not everyday is perfect. Not everyday is perfectly balanced. As I’ve gone back and read the 2+ year archive of Bobbi’s blog … I know that to be true. Like Becky Higgins, I know she isn’t Wonder Woman. And yet, they find ways to make their dreams come true. Without sacrificing everything else.

Apparently, I’ve been landed amongst a herd of folks that think differently. I’m speaking subjectively here, so please do not assume that I am talking about ‘you’ (something that I have found to be a problem … another thing I am t.i.r.e.d of, if you please). I am beyond tired of the thought that you can’t make time for yourself if you have children. I am tired of people ogling me whenever I’m working on a ‘project’ … wondering what I’m n.o.t doing so that I can do that something for ‘myself’. Or even the people that put me up on a pedestal because I can do it, but they cannot. I know – through thick and thin – that nothing about life is black and white. I wish others would see it that way as well … or just leave me alone. Because I know that it is possible. If you want it enough.

Like me and exercising, for instance. Sometimes, I’m great at it … other times I’m not. I believe that part of the problem is that I don’t want it enough. I don’t want it enough – to give up being lazy during Ammon’s naptime. I don’t want it enough – to give up Sunkist. I don’t want it enough – to reevaluate my schedule and how I spend my time. Sure … there are days when it just doesn’t happen despite my best efforts. Not every day is a happy blend of jelly beans and rainbows. And yet, I know – with every dang fiber of my being – that there are things that I could do better. Better ways of managing my time and better ways of looking at my day. Things that have a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y nothing to do with my imperfect nature – but everything to do with my unwillingness to change. I, for one, regard those as two entirely different things.

All this being said – I understand, better than anyone could imagine, that just because something is possible or necessary … it doesn’t make it easy to do. Truth. I’ve had a difficult time of things ‘finding my groove’ since Ammon’s been around. Doesn’t mean it’s impossible … just that I’m not doing all that I could be to make it right. And there is more that I could do. Lately, though, I’ve let the negative wear on me – drag me down to those pits that I swore I would never return to – and I’ve been hosting an all-you-can-eat pity party for myself. I’ve been justifying my predicament. I’ve been telling myself that ‘this is just the way it’s going to be’. An infuriating concept – because, that means that I have actually let the ‘if you’re a mom you don’t have time for any of the things you want to do’ argument of others get to me.

But – right before I let the waves wash over me and finish me off for good – I found this quote completely and entirely by accident on the blog of Heidi Swapp: “You have to create the life you love. You have to envision how you want things to be – set goals, make changes and go to work with your priorities in the right places. Stop whining – start doing. And be grateful for every little thing.” She added, “When we focus on what we don’t have – we have nothing. Conversely: When we focus on what we do have – we have everything. And when we focus on what we really want from our lives … it’s truly possible.”

My, does my Father in Heaven ever have a knack for letting me ‘stumble’ upon the words I need to hear. It’s happened more than once this week. Yes – just like Heidi Swapp – I had heard these words before. But that day, I didn’t need to be comforted. I needed to be reminded. Sometimes … we need to hear it like it is.

And what have I been reminded? That just because I am a Mom, I am not limited as to what I can do. In fact – I feel that because I am a Mom, there is no limit to what I can do. I can find the time. I can make it happen. I have come to a place where I want to embrace the talents I have been given. I have been asked to strengthen and share my talents. I believe I’ll start listening to my Heavenly Father and not all the people that tell me that I can’t do it … or shouldn’t.

I repeat the sentiment that I opened with:

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we’ll have this tale to tell —
All is well!

All is well.

*Lyrics: Come, Come, Ye Saints; William Clayton; LDS Hymnbook