looking back on the last year

I wondered if we would make it this far. In fact, I thought this day would never come. And, now that it is here… I question where the time has gone. As I contemplate this past year with all its highs and lows, trials and triumphs, fear and hope – I wonder if I have spent the time wisely. If I have savored each moment. I hang my head, and answer “No” to each. But, another year has come. More time will pass. More memories are on the horizon. I will have more opportunities and another chance. That is the glory of life.

I decided a long time ago to not cry when this day came. I knew it would come sooner or later – whether I wanted it to or not. I decided to just make peace with the notion that my small boy was growing up – and would continue to do so.

I have had a thought running through my head for some weeks now – something that I learned from this favorite book of mine. “When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.” My Heavenly Father has given me all things. My Heavenly Father has given me life. My Heavenly Father has given me my family. My Heavenly Father has given me my sweet child. Is it justified for me to mourn the passing of time? No. I have every reason to be thankful for the time I am given – to be grateful for the journey – and to be optimistic for what the future holds. And, after all, my happy ending has turned out better than I ever dreamed. I am forever grateful for my blessings – and continue to be awed by my Father in Heaven’s awareness of me. So I ask again – is it reasonable to grieve now that my son’s first birthday has come? Again… the answer is “No”.

So, while I will surely miss the babyish things that we are now saying goodbye to here on Woodburn Drive… I am grateful. I am honored to have had these experiences and these opportunities. I have relished them as if there won’t be another chance to experience these babyish things in our home. And, most of all, I am happy for my boy – sweet Ammon. Happy for him, and how far he goes each day. All that he learns and all that he accomplishes is a blessing and miracle to me.

And, yes. I still look into his eyes and wonder what he will do and who he will be. I’m a little excited, to tell you the truth. But, I can wait. In this one situation – I can be patient. I am in no hurry for him to sprout wings and fly away. He will do that soon enough. For today – I plan to hold him a little tighter, for just a little longer.

It’s hard to believe that this time last year I was enduring a grueling (regardless of how short it was) labor – unable to speak or breathe, but conscious of the role my body had played in the purpose of life. Throughout my whole pregnancy – through the sickness, pain and other complications – there was never a moment when I was not grateful. I was always – always – thankful for the experience. Always willing to go through whatever hardship, so long as I attained the end result: A healthy, happy baby boy that would make my family complete for now. Brian and I have been blessed beyond measure with this most precious boy, Ammon. We could not have asked for a sweeter spirit to be sent to us.

Happy birthday, Ammon Parker. We love you. We all love you. You still rock our world… and always will.