thank goodness

I am desperately trying to get through a difficult time. I hate it, really - but it is what it is. You know what they say: Whatever doesn’t kill us, only makes us stronger. Which leaves us with one of two outcomes. Either I will die - or I will be the strongest woman in the universe. Watch out Wonder Woman. You have some competition. Granted, I wouldn’t look nearly as good in your suit.

The truth of the matter is - as soon as I seem to recover my senses, I’m hit with another tidal wave. Something else to challenge my resolve, my strength, my very spirit. The crosses seem to be getting harder and harder to bear. The infractions more and more devious. The hurdles unfathomable to leap.

I’ve recently been reminded that life is fragile. And some things just don’t matter. A lot of it doesn't. Other things ... do. Like parenthood. And education. A peaceful home. A righteous family. And that fragile life, itself. I’ve had to reevaluate a lot lately. And learn how to make those ‘uncontrollable’, important things ... better. 

Honestly, my life isn’t what I envisioned it being. That’s the honest, cold-blooded truth. I’m not saying that I am not happy. I am only saying that I have had to realize what my ‘dreams’ really are. Not that my life isn’t better than I imagined ... just harder. Much harder. I’m reminded:

... I couldn’t be happier.

No, I couldn’t be happier.

Though it is, I admit -

the tiniest bit -

unlike I ...

anticipated.

But I couldn’t be happier.

Simply, couldn’t be happier.

Well ...
ha.

Not ‘simply’.

‘Cause getting your dreams,

it’s strange ...

but it seems -

a little, well ...

complicated.

There’s a kind of a sort of ...

cost.

There’s a couple of things get ...

lost.

There are bridges you cross

you didn’t know you crossed

until you’ve crossed.

And if that joy -

that trill -

doesn’t thrill ...

that you ‘think’ it will ...

still.

With this perfect finale,

the cheers and the ballyhoo -

who wouldn’t be happier?

So, I couldn’t be happier!

Because happy is what happens

when all your dreams come true.

Well ...

isn’t it?

Happy is what happens

when your dreams come true!

Despite this realization, of sorts - the difficulties haven’t been removed. The trials persist and the heartache follows. Leaving me with the question: What else must I do? What else must I face? And ... what is the reason?

I know that my Heavenly Father doesn’t make mistakes. I know that to be true. I know that I, in some situations, am not asked to ‘understand’. But to simply exercise my faith. My faith in my Father in Heaven. My faith, that He knows better than I. To endure, and to hope. A thought came to my mind earlier today:

... I would show until the world

that faith is things

which are hoped for and not seen;

wherefore, dispute not because ye see not,

for ye receive no witness

until after the trial of your faith.

[Ether 12:6]  

They say that you are never given anything that you can’t handle. And while I’d love to meet ‘they’ ... I believe that. Despite often times forgetting this - my life has taught me that it is truth. I surely have been tried this last year. In every respect, I’ve been forced to the edge of the cliff. So close, that I can peer over its edge and see the jagged rocks and rapids and endless depths. And just when I am forced to jump ... I am caught. And I am carried. And I am reminded - again - that He who knows best, is aware of me. And will not let me fall. And will not let me fail. Yes - the last year has been one of the hardest I have faced. And it seems I have yet to touch the brink of the mountain. Those who know me well, will recognize that this is a painful reality.

But this last month, or so, has met us with an interesting turn of events. Many things that have warranted much worry, much frustration, much turmoil, much heartache, have - in the blink of an eye - been resolved. Been righted. Been faced. I can’t help but be shocked, frankly. I keep thinking, when faced with another ramification: “Oh, if they could only walk an inch in my shoes.” ‘They’ having no idea what is on my plate, what is on my mind, and what it is in my heart. And then, overnight, for it ‘all’ to be gone? Quite the feeling. And I can’t help but see the blessings - and the hand of the Lord in all of it. I’m reminded, again, that we are never asked to face a trial that we cannot handle. I can’t help but feel that the way is being prepared for something. For something that I may not have been able to battle - along with the other hurdles.

And I can’t help but be thankful for that possibility. Though while I write this ... my mind is challenged with the thought that the ‘something’ may not be what I originally hoped it to be. Despite it all - I know that I will be blessed after the trial of my faith.

And I know to whom it goes. Thank goodness.

Lyrics: Thank Goodness; Wicked; Stephen Schwartz