ordinary men

There is a box.

And in this box are sweet little things.

And those sweet little things are mostly pink.

But some are not.

And maybe one day – they will be used.

But not today.

This box has a name.

It is known simply as – ‘the girl box’.

Truth: I never wanted a daughter. I have always – or for as long as I can remember, anyway – wanted sons. And lots of them.

I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because I grew up around a lot of boys. A lot of boys that are very special to me. Boys who taught me how to take care of myself. Defend myself. Win a fight. Tie a knot. Dance myself silly. And play a perfectly executed game of NFL Monopoly. Boys who helped make me who I am today. There were girls, too – but for some reason, I was closer to the boys.

Whatever the reason – I never gave ‘having a daughter’ much thought until I was pregnant with Ammon. Everyone – to include myself – thought I would have a girl. And I became obsessed with the thought. With the notion. With the very idea – of having a baby girl. But it wasn’t meant to be. Not that time.

Now that Ammon is around – filling our days with fire and spunk – I can picture her. I can imagine what she looks like. And, truth: I wish for a daughter.

Again, I say: I don’t really know why. But I hope, one day, to balance out the dirt and trucks and ties and white-collared shirts with tea sets and ribbons and bows and frills. And polka-dot tights, please. But it's not today. And so these things wait – because I have been collecting, of course. They wait for a day when they can be used by a little pink thing with dark chocolate eyes, and the longest of lashes.

I’ve added to ‘the girl box’ lately. And several random thoughts have been running through my mind. About the wonder of girls, and what makes them – us – different. It’s a concept I’ve fought long and hard to explain to Brian.

Brian comes from a family of boys. Nearly all boys. A family where girls are truly a novelty. It’s been “fun” over the years to hear Brian’s perception of the female race. About the whining, and tattle-telling, and prissy-ness, and spoiled-ness, and the incurable urge to own every pair of shoes on the planet. It’s been a rare treat to watch this perception change. Whether because he has seen his few female cousins (who gave birth to said perception in the first place) grow into beautiful, astounding women, or because I have whipped it out of him – his views have changed. He realizes that we aren’t all that bad. All the time, anyway. And – his opinion of us has changed so much, that he actually wants a daughter of his own, now.

It’s a funny thing. Brian is long past his “Little Girls are Evil” stance – but every time I reflect on the whole situation, I can only think of one thing. Just one thing. I think of the song “I’m An Ordinary Man” from My Fair Lady. Brian’s issues were never quite the same as Henry Higgins. So, I don’t know why I think of this fabulous rant. I just do. It’s one of my favorites.

I thought I’d share it with you. I’m not going to post a video. If you haven’t seen My Fair Lady, do it now. Please. Do yourself a favor. The film is wonderful, of course – but I adore the stage version with Julie Andrews. My idol. And, I prefer this particular song better on that Original Cast Recording. No one can do talk-sing like Rex Harrison. Makes me yearn that I had been alive to see it.

So – here’s to little girls. Here’s to us – when we’ve grown up. And – here’s to the ordinary men that make us tick … and twitch, alike.

Professor Henry Higgins to Colonel Pickering:

I find the moment I let a woman make friends with me

she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious

and a damn nuisance.

And I find the moment that I make friends with a woman

I become selfish and tyrannical.

So here I am – a confirmed old bachelor

and likely to remain so. But after all, Pickering:

I'm an ordinary man,
who desires nothing more
than just an ordinary chance
to live exactly as he likes
and do precisely what he wants.

An average man am I,
of no eccentric whim,
who likes to live his life, free of strife,
doing whatever he thinks is best for him.
Well – just, uh, an ordinary man.

But –

Let a woman in your life,
and your serenity is through.
She'll redecorate your home
from the cellar to the dome,
then go on to the enthralling fun
of overhauling you.

Let a woman in your life,
and you're up against a wall.
Make a plan and you will find
she has something else in mind,
and so rather than do either
you do something else that neither likes at all.

You want to talk of Keats or Milton;
she only wants to talk of love.
You go to see a play or ballet
and spend it searching for her glove.

Let a woman in your life,
and you invite eternal strife.
Let them buy their wedding bands
for those anxious little hands.
I'd be equally as willing
for a dentist to be drilling
than to ever let a woman in my life!

I'm a very gentle man,
even-tempered and good-natured
whom you never hear complain;
who has the milk of human kindness
by the quart in every vein.

A patient man am I,
down to my fingertips;
the sort who never would, never could,
let an insulting remark escape his lips.
A very gentle man.

But –

Let a woman in your life,
and patience hasn't got a chance.
She will beg you for advice.
your reply will be concise,
and she'll listen very nicely,
then go out and do precisely what she wants!

You were a man of grace and polish
who never spoke above a hush.
Now all at once you're using language
that would make a sailor blush.

Let a woman in your life,
and you're plunging in a knife!
Let the others of my sex
tie the knot around their necks.
I'd prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition
than to ever let a woman in my life!

I'm a quiet living man,
who prefers to spend the evenings
in the silence of his room;
who likes an atmosphere as restful
as an undiscovered tomb.

A pensive man am I,
of philosophic joys;
who likes to meditate, contemplate,
free from humanity's mad inhuman noise.
Just a quiet living man.

But –

Let a woman in your life,
and your sabbatical is through.
In a line that never ends
come an army of her friends;
come to jabber and to chatter,
and to tell her what the matter is with you!

She'll have a booming, boisterous family,
who will descend on you en masse.
She'll have a large Wagnerian mother
with a voice that shatters glass.

Let a woman in your life!
Let a woman in your life!

I shall never let a w.o.m.a.n in my life.